I just cut my nipple shaving
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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