every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
