He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
