I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
