While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
