he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
