btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
