We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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