I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
