would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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