Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
