remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
