No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
