In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
