plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
