I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
