woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
