im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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