i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
