A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
