from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
