Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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