hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Randomize
