You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
