My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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