...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
