i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
