Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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