For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Vodka?
Forever.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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