Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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