i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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