Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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