i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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