my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
