I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
