I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize