i already hear my dad disowning me
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
