I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
