I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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