sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
