Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
