why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
i think i just lost a toe
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