Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
