Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
