AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Shame is for Republicans.
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