did you get engaged???
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
