I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Bring me that man meat
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
