Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I want to be your penis for a week.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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