Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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