What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
