Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
