Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize