It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
