I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
