ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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