I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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