you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize