I smell stomach acid.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
