fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
