if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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