well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
My breasts were aching with rage.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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