Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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