Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Randomize
