I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
