Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
