Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
