I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
