You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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