Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
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