I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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