i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
