dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
i out mim tonsoeep
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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