I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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