She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
