oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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