I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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