so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
