You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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